Hey Really Fat But Really Strong Guy..Lets Chat

Last week in Hey Gym Guy…Seriously? I covered the typical gym douchebag who sadly makes your experience at the gym less than appeasing. Today I want to sit down and chat with the “REALLY FAT BUT REALLY STRONG GUY”.  

 

"Hey man can you tie my shoes? My legs are too beastly to bend over."

Oh this guy holds a special place in my heart. After all, they’re just big ol teddy bears. AMIRIGHT? Every gym has more than one and they usually hang out in a group called POWER LIFTERS! Be very afraid (actually just laugh cause it’s the only way to endure them) They have 60 inch chests and 12 inch arms. They perform one exercise and one exercise only= BENCH PRESS OH YEAH GET YOU SOME!  OK maybe they throw in a leg press or squat once a month just to keep their girlish figure but that’s it OK. By imploying a super wide grip technique (added to their short arms) this enables them to only have to drop the bar MAYBE three inches. If you aren’t impressed by this amazing show of strength by now it means you’re probably queer or some other derogatory statement.

 They haven’t seen their “twig and berry” since the 1st Bush was in office and lets not even talk about their ridiculous goatee. Their arms are constantly at a 140° angle because stretching is for pansies. Sure they can lift (and eat) a cow but can they run 100 yards without needing oxygen? Who needs cardiovascular training when you can lift 500 lbs? Who needs to live past 40?

Just cause they have zero muscle definition doesn’t mean they’re fat…Come on look at those TRAPS BABY! Like clock work they walk into the gym and act as if this is their kingdom. DON’T EVEN TRY AND USE MY BENCH,OK? WUSS. Everyone knows them by some silly nickname like “Bull” or “Ox” and the “trainers” try their best to suck up to these “monsters” by asking in an obviously deeper than normal voice “You going for a max bench press today?”

Just look at those Abs

They’ll spend 3 hours and do maybe 4 sets. Cause everyone needs 30 minute rests between sets. BEAST MODE! (If they really want to push themselves they’ll throw in a 5 min walk on the treadmill) No need to break a sweat cause they’ll chug 24 oz’s of some sort of protein supplement (horse tranquilizer) while working out. After this amazing workout, the local Buffet better watch out because when you burn maybe 30 calories over a 3 hour period of time its imperative to eat 4,000 grams of carbs and protein.

So “Really Fat But Really Strong” gym guy let’s have a chat. Stop it, seriously you need to quit. You look dumb. You aren’t fit and no one is impressed. In fact, most people laugh at you. I am at least. Go do some cardio, perhaps a few sit ups and try eating a thing we call “vegetables” every once in a while. You know those green things in the produce aisle at your grocery store. My suggestion? A heavy dose of interval training and sprints 3 -5 times a week to help improve heart function and maybe, just maybe, save your life..It’s not too late. WE CAN DO THIS.

Sincerely,

EVERYONE EVERYWHERE

 

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